The Magic Words
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Post Memorial Day, sequel to Les Seuls Mots Qui Important. Will Josh allow himself to break down?


Title: The Magic Words

Author: Chocolatequeen

Rating: G/PG

Spoilers: Memorial Day

Summary: A continuation (of sorts) to Les Seuls Mots Qui Important

I love you.

They were the only words that mattered, and five seconds ago, they'd been the only words on his mind. Then he'd opened her door. His eyes quickly took in the scene—the bloody rags scattered on the floor, the indications of emergency and haste—and those words were replaced by another three.

Where is she?

Racing down the hall to the nurses' station, he tossed a glance around the corner, hoping to see her there. If she was still somewhere in this wing, then nothing serious had happened, the mess in her room notwithstanding.

"Where's Donna Moss?" The first words he'd spoken since telling Leo about his foray into the world of espionage; they asked the question he desperately needed answered.

"Excuse me?" the young nurse replied, squinting up at him.

Josh couldn't decide if she had some kind of vision problem or if it was just the question she didn't understand; taking a gamble, he elaborated. "Donna Moss… she's not in her room," he stated, his hands open, begging for information.

He saw the moment the name registered. "Are you a relative?" she asked, her tone and face not disclosing anything, yet telling him everything he didn't want to hear.

"I work for the President of the United States," he told her curtly. "I have the diplomatic rank of a three star general. Tell me where Donna Moss is."

This time she didn't say anything, simply pointing down the corridor to the operating rooms. A sign on the door told him he couldn't follow Donna to wherever she's been taken… he ignored it. It was just another obstacle trying to keep him from finding her, to keep him from saving her, and he brushed by it as easily as he vaulted the nurse's concerns about propriety.

Again, he looked down all the hallways and in all the rooms; Donna's not in any of them. There's one more room left, she must be there. Thinking of nothing but getting to her, he started to go in, but a quick command stops him.

"Whoa, you can't go in there."

Spinning around, he caught sight of Dr. Lee in a surgical gown and gloves. "What's…"

"There's been a complication," the doctor said patiently. He'd recognized the emotion, the connection between this man and his assistant within five minutes of meeting Josh, and he knew nothing but the truth would keep him from her side. "She's developed a pulmonary embolism. It's a blood…"

"Blood clot?" Josh whispered, the irony sweeping over him.

At any other time, the nausea Dr. Lee saw on Josh's face would have concerned him, but now he had bigger things to worry about. "We're trying to remove it right now," he said succinctly and ended the conversation by walking through the doors.

Josh stared after him for a moment, catching sight of a pale Donna lying on her bed, clearly under a general anesthetic. He wanted to watch, he wanted to stay there just like she had when the situation was reversed, but he wasn't that strong. Taking one last look at her, he returned to the waiting room.

 "What's happened to Donna, Josh?" someone asked, his voice concerned… concerned, but not worried, or panicked, or anything else Josh was feeling.

He looked up, blinking a little to force his eyes to focus. It was Colin, standing there with his backpack slung on and a frown on his face. "She… she's got a blood clot," he whispered, unable to call it by it's technical term. A pulmonary embolism killed his father, he refused to think about it, refused to let the parallels play in his mind anymore than they already are.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"I don't know… the doctor, he said they're going to try to fix it… he didn't say they could, just that they were going to try… Blood clots… they can be fatal." The words came out before he could stop them, and he watched Colin's face, watched them register to the photojournalist.

"Ah… I see…" Colin shifted his backpack from one shoulder to the other and glanced behind him. Josh could see the discomfort on his face, so it was no surprise when Colin said, "Well… I was coming to say good-bye. I just got a call from… and I have to go back," he explained awkwardly, not looking Josh in the eye.

"I'll tell her you came by," he replied quietly, trying not to think about the fact that he might not get the chance.

"Would you?" Colin asked, surprised. "Thanks Josh. And tell her I hope she… gets better."

"I will," Josh promised.

"Yeah, well… I've got to go."

Josh turned away, not wanting Colin to see any of the emotion flickering across his own face. _"God, why is this happening to me, to her? Am I going to lose her the same way I lost my father?"_ he asked himself, drifting in a sea of fears.

Colin took one last look at him before shaking his head and leaving. On his way out, he passed a tall, blonde woman who, on any other night, could have passed for 30. Tonight however, her haggard appearance showed every day of her 55 years.

She moved slowly, weighted down by fatigue and fear. It had been almost three days since her daughter… since the explosion, and she hadn't slept since she'd heard. _"My daughter's hurt, and it took my three days to get here,"_ she berated herself, hating the airline system that had only a limited number of flights going to Frankfurt a day.

Just inside the door, she stopped to get her bearings. To her right was a sign that pointed the way to the nurses' station, and her first instinct was to go there and ask about Donna. But to her left was the waiting room, and sitting there was a man who could probably tell her more than the young woman she saw lounging behind the desk.

Forcing her feet to move, she planted herself in front of him, waiting for him to look up. The curly head moved slowly, traveling up until she was looking Josh Lyman in the eye. "Mrs. Moss!" he said, pulling himself out of his chair. "I didn't think you were getting here until tomorrow morning."

"I managed to catch an earlier flight," she said dismissively. "How is she Josh?"

She watched the smooth political operative, the man who was never at a loss for something to say, stumble for words, and a twinge of fear shot down her spine. "She's… she's…" He stopped himself,  unable to say it, unable to tell her how badly he had failed to keep Donna safe.

For a brief, terrifying instant Nella Moss wondered if she was too late, and her daughter was dead. Shoving the thought aside, she forced herself to ask, "Josh. What happened?"

"Pulmonary embolism," he told her quietly, not looking her in the eye.

Nella sighed; this was bad, but not as bad as she had feared. "That's a blood clot, right?" she questioned, making sure she knew what they were talking about.

He nodded slowly. "It happened while I was out… I went to a meeting and came back with flowers, and when I got there, she was gone…"

His voice trailed off, and Nella finally understood why he was so upset, why he wouldn't look at her. Sighing deeply, she put her hand on his arm and said, "Joshua."

Josh was surprised to hear his full name from anyone but Donna, and yet it sounded right, coming from this woman who looked so much like her daughter. Expecting to see anger or condemnation, he looked up at her, waiting for the punishment he deserved.

Instead, he saw warmth and understanding. "Joshua," she repeated, squeezing his arm gently, "it's not your fault."

Those were the magic words. As long as he blamed himself for what happened, he had no right to cry… but if it wasn't his fault, he could let out all the fear he'd bottled up. The first tear was followed quickly by a second, and then he was being held in a gentle mother's embrace while he wept.


End file.
